I am feeling such a mixture of emotions that it’s really becoming impossible to filter out all the ingredients that are making the soup sour for me. The major player in making it tough is the face that I probably, deep down, don’t want to accept the reason for this really-really strong feeling. It’s making my heart feel like a heave stone and my head is on overload trying to process the whole shipload of information all the organs including himself is sending to it.
Well since I write for my friends and you are the one’s I can really speak about it to freely I will try to open up. I don’t really want it to sound as if I am in pain. I am not in pain I am below a shipload feeling really heavy and I am not frustrated but just feeling like someone who is sitting alone on a saturday evening at a room with a fan and wasting time on internet when he really wants to be having a blast with a good happy bunch. My roommates went to the swimming pool which really didn’t feel like the best way of spending the later half of the evening. Thought of going to buy a cheap digi-cam(though i wanted a really heavy DSLR 😦 initially) but can’t really afford it right now, still having a camera right-now feels more important to me than not having at all, anyway I am not a pro and a decent 6-7K INR digicam should suffice for now.
Also dropped the idea of buying a high-end cellphone. The idea behing buying it was to support my random-enthusiasm which suddenly comes in bits when I want to note a particular thought, or want to record a sentence or two, or take a snap of something important,or manage my list of groceries and manage the to-do list.. But I have to do without it and will have to depend on my sanity more than “google calendar”. Will do for the time being. I wanted it most to sit and write at places like cafeteria, buses and signals or in a mall. These places fill me with thought and I really get “pissed” when I am not able to capture that moment or idea. I forget it most of the times a few instants later :(.
Somehow I don’t want to compromise anymore notwithstanding the standing fact that I always had to. Something probably this maddy taught me. Right now I am probably experiencing in person the fact that regardless of how much you earn it always feels less I know someone would ask me to control the desperation and stay cool for some time and everything will fall in place. I am trying yet nonetheless failing miserably at it.
All said and done I still haven’t told the real deal. I am a guy and a very dear friend quoted with lot of confidence a truth about guys. We can’t stand something we hold dear, or to be more flat-on-the-face, feel ownership of taken away from us. It’s against the basic genetic layout. I am not abnormal so I am governed by the above definition too. I say let go to everyone and at times do to, but the cost paid is extreme dis-satisfaction. I just bear the pain of letting it go, sometimes mixed with the happiness of freeing the bounds. But unbearable even so. Who would want to lose something so dear to them.
Then follows the part that haunts me more. We or rather I don’t want/like to lose because when something dear departs it creates a vaccum somewhere. Vaccum being vaccum pulls anything and everything that it can to fill the gap. The worst part here is the more driven and motivated you are ,in general, the more time and effort one will make to fill that gap and if it doesn’t happen soon the more frustrated one gets, hence even more effort . This goes on until someone shakes you out of it. Now there is no one to shake me out of it!!
That’s where I stand. Waiting for someone to shake me out of my excursions towards filling the gap that’s sending pulsations of anguish every now and then except when I am not engaged in something demanding. Till then keep listening to Avril Lavigne 😀
After all of the bickering did i tell what’s the real deal?!!!