The other dimension is the one where you let yourself dive into only when you can’t control it to be otherwise. Please spare if things don’t make sense as I am not in my senses 😉
I have bozzed a lot today, and to top that I for the first time fagged today. As bhale says I am virgin nomore ;). I was afraid to do so, because it’s very tough to control all the zillions of emotions that are waiting to burst out from inside. I keep them trapped under the constant protection, but today I let go, just to see what comes out. Anyway everyone around is dear one and I won’t mind sharing anything with them, though I do the same often. Sorry Guys.. To keep my life a mystery from you, but i don’t want to hurt you all by sharing everything that goes inside this unstable mind.
I think, I whistper, I yell, I cry but all that is restricted to me. My sorrows are for me and my love is for thee. I had a real nasty split-up but i have to shelve my emotions so that I can take care of her, I had to hide it from her and from myself so that she can’t see anything. I asked her one last time and she still said that she can’t go ahead at this point of time. She loves me more than I love her and if she have to make such a decision than the situation would have been out of her control, as it’s always with moms. Funny thing is I am trying to help a girl get over me !!! I don’t regret that I loved her. I am glad and thankful to the lovely girl who came in my life and changed it a thousand times over and over and continues to do so.
I had two choices as AR Rahman said on the Oscar Stage “Love or Hate. I always chose love.” Sooner or later I was able to convince myself that only love wins. Nothing else. Moli bhai’s book “Tuesdays with morrie” Just strengthened that wisdom.
Anyway enough of that. Good thing is I experienced unconditional love, something that ur friends and parents also do but few of us never care much about that, until it’s from a dreamgirl. Better late than never.
Today’s evening was special. Most of my dear friends were there and I loved putting my arm around their shoulder and feeling the affection in the touch and the smile on everyone’s face. It felt life. yes I did feel it. I work my ass off most of the time because I love slogging. Something i learned before I learned to write. But i knew long back that their is something called survival and something called life.
I have been surviving for long, Now I want to live. I am not in denial. I just suppress my emotions. I have no specific choices. I take the path of maximum obstruction and minimum results the first time so that it helps me learn more things than i can by doing it the natural and accepted way. That’s no fun.
I am boring. But not always. If something went wrong and it went wrong then I am responsible. It makes me not repeat my silly mistakes. I don’t enjoy life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that i know it really well that it’s stupid to do so. I do things at times when I am completely aware that I shouldn’t be and vice-versa. I love complexifying situations, It’s fun.
I feel sorry for paining my friends which I do quite often. By default I am of extremely conservative nature but I better that in general. If we are what we act and not what we think than I am fine else there are reasons to be worried about.
All in all As shruti says. Start believing in urself. I am somewhere in the beginning of that.But, again if the beginning if the most difficult step then I am well on my way, because one thing I am sure of is that I have definitely crossed that stage.
Wish me luck. It’s a long way.
Love u all my friends and everyone that came into my life and gave me another reason to love.