Wavez of change

More than three decades ago Prof.  Salters discovered the way of converting wave-power to electricity and in 1973 the first simplified wooden device to produce energy was created. A decade before that the offshore-oil-industry was getting in full swing and the journey towards dooms-day had found the shortest short-cut to the armageddon. Humans love short-cuts and forget about all the wolves standing in the way.

Now when we are nearing the perils we realize, rather too late, that it was a mistake and the point-of no return is now.  Our planet is dying, everyone’s watching that happen, some-talk about it, a few listen anda handful of us are actually doing something about it. I am not in that list yet. Sorry, I am(was) on the other one. The oil one. I build the biggest/finest machines for the purpose of drilling oil and making the world a bit less livelier place min-by-min and sadly I am as good as they can be in doing this  job.  Suddenly, I don’t feel proud anymore.

But all is not lost.

It’s not hard to believe after knowing and understanding the Indutrial technology the way I do that the predictions of the weather guys about the increasing environemental pollution had always been an understatement in-spite of all the tampering of the results we generally do to make them look more horrendous than the reality. The reality today is even more catastrophic and calamitous. Yes, we are heading towards the dooms’day may be not in 2012, but I bet at this rate there will be no 2112.

For once, I want to lose that bet. Al-gore is going crazy out there trying to tell people and goverments and everyone to stop killing the climate.  Using less power is a great way of saving earhth but eliminating the necessity of doing that is a much better, but tough, option.

There are many-forms of renewable energy sources and none of them alone is capable of controlling/let alone reversing the damage that had been already caused. The only one I am capable of contributing is wave/Tidal/Current power. There is plenty of it.  There are efforts going in that direction. Mediocre but there.

I want to add my hand to those efforts.  I always(almost) believed in my capabilities and it’s about time I use them where they matter the most.  Saving my home.

Finally I find mental peace from the question erring me from the day i got my first job-offer. Is this what i really want to do!!

Any suggestions and references/contacts to wave/tidal/current/ocean thermal energy projects and teams working around the world are most welcome.

Thanks to all the friends, family and everyone who kept me motivated to think beyond a regular-paycheck. I will keep nudging you for the rest-of-the-life too

Introspections….

A lot have changed in the past few months and I haven’t given myself enough time to absorb and understand everything that’s going around me. I mistake I decided to avoid long back to avoid making. It’s almost 4 months since I have stepped in the corporate life and most of the time had been sadly spent in bickering and mockery.

Let’s have a What You Wanted and What You Got Approach on that :

What I wanted :

Joined the present job after weighting it against the 3 other options that I had and the primary objectives that I wanted to accomplish from this Job were Money, Exposure, Guidance , personal life, Tag of the company and make some contacts. All in all to get a firm foundation.

What I got:

Money – Primary requirement of any fresh graduate. I am not really satisfied with the pay as i feel I am much more capable but have to understand it from the Industry’s point of view that in the end I am just a fresher.As far as the company is concerned most of them feel that they have done a huge favor by giving a job to a fresher and we are of no use except for the dirty jobs. The pay is as good as any good job in good times back in India but still pained by the fact that every tom, dick and harry makes double the amount that I make for doing the same job that I do, but that’s OK. I knew that beforehand  anyway and was always prepared for it. As far as I am concerned I am better off than I could have been in India in this department It just took three months to settle all the loans I took for dad’s accident and to pay for my initial expensed for settling in Mumbai and then here in Singapore. I wanted to buy a lot of stuff as I mentioned in the last post which slightly pisses me off a bit but that’s just being desperate without any concrete reason to be.So, all in all not much concerns here. A few more cash won’t hurt though >:)

Exposure - Couldn’t have been better. Straight out of the college I am matching node-by-node and graph-by-graph the results of the best consultants in the field of ship design. The experience in double-sided with both hydrodynamics, Structural and to add cherry on top mooring analysis. The three top-sort-after skills in the field.

I am working on Billion dollar projects with a quarter year of experience and the scale of the work is just mind-boggling which is helping me to get a hang of these big numbers. I am working with the tools I used to dream about using a few months back in college. As per the feedback from friends and classmates about the things they are getting to use I can say I am a million times better of because these people have the luxury of money to be able to spare such expensive tools for my learning leisure. I can select any kind of work and the technical managers here are very encouraging If I am interested in learning stuff.

Also there is additional pressure  sometimes to do stuff you didn’t knew rat’s ass about in a very short span of time which is totally welcome as that’s the best way to get my lazy head working and I learn things that I would have taken months to learn or never learn in matter of days and sometimes hours!!!

Guidance – Very Bad. But that was never an issue. There is lot of old data to refer to and learn which pretty much makes up for it and then for the issue that whether the procedure is correct or wrong for which there are a lot of past results to verify with. In a way if there was guidance then It would have actually taught us the standardized procedure of doing things in steps rather than going around the system a few times over and trying to make sense of everything and in the process learn a lot more and get a deeper and broader understanding of the concepts involved and techniques used which boosts the confidence by leaps and bounds.

It gives the confidence – See boss, I know how to do it right. I take the responsibility. Too much to ask after a quarter year of exposure but right now I feel that confidence fuming out of me. I can do things MY way. It matters a lot to me because that’s how I had to do things all the times. I never really had much guidance anyway, so I don’t really care i there isn’t any here too Just makes me feel at home.

Personal Life - This is the part that’s most messed up. Really messy. I am pissed(again). I already wrote the last post describing the part I am pissed off due to the accommodation. I have somehow come on terms with that giving myself time till the probation period gets over and it becomes clear what the company has in store for me. But I so hate the lame excuse of recession for having studied it already so closely and knowing the fact that a lot of companies are just using it as an excuse to save a lot of cash which they couldn’t have otherwise.

Another part is I miss my friends and college life. Heck the best possible life. The fact that I miss the most is that there was always someone who was ready to go to the beach, or the pub or cycling a few km’s, or hiking, or go for a walk at 4 o clock in the night or just listen to my ramblings about this monster of the world. Life was a party. It’s different here.

I have managed to make a decent number of friends and I already enjoy the company of a few here in office and outside office too. But the things that is missing is the extreme understanding and intimacy. I know it will take time to bring that feeling of closeness with the new friends but I still miss it everywhere I go and in everything I do. I never though i was so attached to those lunatics back in college. Love u guys. I love the fact that I am visiting a new country something that I always wanted to. I am learning a lot about the world and watching all the colors of the world with my very own 6/6 eyes but I wish if there were the college friends also here to make it a whole lot more interesting. But, I guess i will have to pacify with the fact that one can’t have it all at the same time, but hey I can always dream right

The another thing that I strangely love is the fact that IITians are not the HOT thing and OMG he is from IIT he will have the 30 pound of brains and all that. I know that feeling is now decreased quite a lot in India too but here it’s just totally different. ball game. you are just an engineer who got lucky and landed here in Singapore and trying best to make the most out of it in terms of money and career both. There is no advantage of being an IITian and also the pressure of high-expectations of  being the IITian . I see both of them to my advantage. It sheds of the additional wings that gets attached to us living in the virtual-world of IIT and is acting like a good wake up call to the reality. Also due to the not-higher-than-cloud-no.9 expectation I can actually breathe and at times say “I don’t know” and it’s OK to do that. your boss actually understands that you are just a fresh engineer and not a successor of Einstein

Issues - I still want to opt for a better accommodation but not able to as there are certain complicated and very intricately strings attached with the agreement which i can’t talk here about but that makes it practically impossible to act freely. Some of those strings can potentially ruin all that is going good. I might have to make a few bold moves along with a few planned ones to make sure that nothing that could really suck happens It can as well go very smooth too, but there are still grey-patches to be prepared for. Preaparing, something i am very bad at. I live on Instincts, but this time I have to learn to factor in some logical planning too. What a pain >:D

PS : Overall I am on the happier side of the line and as such nothing much to worry and whine about

So close, yet so far :D

Here is the list of stuff I wanted to buy as soon as I get  out of college and start earning hard cash.

Macbook – The oldest dream of a geek The new macbook which just released yesterday is making me drool all over the place.

Image via Wikipedia

Ipod – I wanted to buy an I-pod all the time, but somehow always ran out of cash when the day came to buy it

DSLR – This is a latest crush, but really want it I am not at all satisfied by the quality and control my digicam gives me

Iphone – It’s the old crush, I don’t want it anymore Now i want an Android which runs on a 1Ghz processor

Now i want this to begin with

Barnes and Noble Nook – then i want a e-book reader

I can have all that but for some reason or other I am not able to lay hands on any of these

The reasons are all good but I am getting a lot more desperate these days when all the big cash comes in hand and goes

#update

Headphones :  I forgot about the headphones Amod reminded me that the list is just imcomplete without it, so here goes BOSE Quite Comfort headphones 

Something is missing!!

I am feeling such a mixture of emotions that it’s really becoming impossible to filter out all the ingredients that are making the soup sour for me.  The major player in making it tough is the face that I probably, deep down, don’t want to accept the reason for this really-really strong feeling. It’s making my heart feel like a heave stone and my head is on overload trying to process the whole shipload of information all the organs including himself is sending to it.

Look up.. Move ahead..

Well since I write for my friends and you are the one’s I can really speak about it to freely I will try to open up. I don’t really want it to sound as if I am in pain. I am not in pain I am below a shipload feeling really heavy and I am not frustrated but just feeling like someone who is sitting alone on a saturday evening at a room with a fan and wasting time on internet when he really wants to be having a blast with a good happy bunch. My roommates went to the swimming pool which really didn’t feel like the best way of  spending the later half of the evening. Thought of going to buy a cheap digi-cam(though i wanted a really heavy DSLR initially) but can’t really afford it right now, still having a camera right-now feels more important to me than not having at all, anyway I am not a pro and a decent 6-7K INR digicam should suffice for now.

Also dropped the idea of buying a high-end cellphone. The idea behing buying it was to support my random-enthusiasm which suddenly comes in bits when I want to note a particular thought, or want to record a sentence or two, or take a snap of something important,or manage my list of groceries and manage the to-do list.. But I have to do without it and will have to depend on my sanity more than “google calendar”. Will do for the time being. I wanted it most to sit and write at places like cafeteria, buses and signals or in a mall. These places fill me with thought and I really get “pissed” when I am not able to capture that moment or idea. I forget it most of the times a few instants later .

Somehow I don’t want to compromise anymore notwithstanding the standing fact that I always had to. Something probably this maddy taught me. Right now I am probably experiencing in person the fact that regardless of how much you earn it always feels less I know someone would ask me to control the desperation and stay cool for some time and everything will fall in place. I am trying yet nonetheless failing miserably at it.

All said and done I still haven’t told the real deal. I am a guy and a very dear friend quoted with lot of confidence a truth about guys. We can’t stand something we hold dear, or to be more flat-on-the-face, feel ownership of taken away from us. It’s against the basic genetic layout. I am not abnormal so I am governed by the above definition too. I say let go to everyone and at times do to, but the cost paid is extreme dis-satisfaction. I just bear the pain of letting it go, sometimes mixed with the happiness of freeing the bounds. But unbearable even so. Who would want to lose something so dear to them.

Then follows the part that haunts me more. We or rather I don’t want/like to lose because when something dear departs it creates a vaccum somewhere. Vaccum being vaccum pulls anything and everything that it can to fill the gap. The worst part here is the more driven and motivated you are ,in general, the more time and effort one will make to fill that gap and if it doesn’t happen soon the more frustrated one gets, hence even more effort . This goes on until someone shakes you out of it. Now there is no one to shake me out of it!!

That’s where I stand. Waiting for someone to shake me out of my excursions towards filling the gap that’s sending pulsations of  anguish every now and then except when I am not engaged in something demanding. Till then keep listening to Avril Lavigne

After all of the bickering did i tell what’s the real deal?!!!

Challenges!!!

Adore your challenges

Though I don’t believe in God, I do believe in struggles. Life would be so worthless without the challenges.

If you are being challenged, be happy, that’s the best thing that can happen to you. A challenge is the struggle to reach to a higher platform.

Guy Talk : What do you want in your girl…

Excerpts of a chat with a close friend……

uttam: wahi koi pata le

me: Muskil hain yaar.. thoda language problem bhi hain

uttam: hmm

me: they prefer chinese

we prefer english

uttam: chandni chowk to china

me: apart from that almost everyone is committed

haan

uttam: ohh

sahi

tu Indian se hi shaadi kar

warna repent karega baad me

me: dekhte hain

baad mein repent hoga ki nahi

I won’t mind giving it a try

uttam: dekhne ko nahi hoga tu phir

abhi se sambhal ke kadam utha le

me: pack

tu mujhe janta hain

i love risk

no risk no game

uttam:

me: Indian bandiya pain hain

uttam: sale

me: not cool

uttam: hehe

me: i want cool junta

uttam: acha hai tujeh HOT chahiye na

me: Indian mile to ok

uttam: tujhe*

me: else bahar bhi chalega

uttam: haha

me: naah

HOT is not an issue

uttam: hehe

me: good looking cool girl will do

cute and cool will do

uttam:

me: hot and chattar chattar

mummy mummy

rona dhona

uttam: hehehe

me: phokat ka pain

nahi chalega

uttam: hehe

me: she should be chill enough to not cry overa dirty shirt or spilled milk or lying on the sofa or getting up late in the morning or bunking office if i feel like

aisi milegi toh ok

uttam: )

me: faltu ki emotional tension wali nahi chahiye

uttam: hmm

me: she should have her friends and also keep her own private space and let me have mine too

and shouldn’t mind me going out with my friends

both guys and girls

uttam:

me: if i come late

then she should believe the reason that i tell her

and i will believe her too in case she happens to be on the other end

i don’t want a detective following my ass

uttam: abe kisi aisi ladki se shaadi karna jiski judwa behen ho…dusri se main shaadi kar loonga

kyunki mujhe bhi aisi ladki chahiye

me: hehe

uttam:

me: achha hain

main yeh chat apne blog pe daal raha hoon

uttam: :O

(

nahi

me: kyon be

uttam: mere naam pe kichad mat uchal

sab piche pad jaayenge mere

me: hehe

i don’t care

i am in it with u

uttam: but I care

me: i don’t

and the chat is in my window so it’s under my copyrights

uttam: u at least care for me

me: u r doomed

kill me

bite me

—–

I am just curious to know how many other guys are in it with me

@all the girls who didn’t like the idea – I am sorry, but no offence we can be great friends but you are not my type and moreover I am not your type

@all the other girls – I want your phone number/Email ID/ Snail Mail anything as long as u will reply

!@#@#$@#$%@#$%#$@%@#%#@$@#(It’s a code)

A good coffee is totally worth a dollar especially when it comes with a good designer froth and that too at a time when one will prefer fighting a gorilla than wrestling with his eyelids which keep flashing the blackout signal every other second.

|| Feel like dropping a stone on my head to wake me up from my blabberwocky sleep talking? Please do. I am bored. I am tired. I am NOT freaked out yet (phew!). I feel like a robot. I am performing like the first alpha preview of any to be the ‘next big thing in the world’( though present vista is also a fine example ). Oh yes there is a term for that too IIGO ( Input In Garbage Out). I don’t know what I want to do but mostly I am sure that I don’t want to do what I am doing or what I think I should do. ||

Snapped! Read “between the Lines”

 

 

The space abover is to give you time If you are out of the previous loop then move on or hit the big cross on the silly corner of your browser ( if u know what a browser actually is, if not please press Alt + F4 and u will know). 

Didn’t see any connection with the title yet! Read on….

On top of it I am damn sure of the fact that I am not the only one who is thinking/feeling/talking/writing this way at this very moment. I am sure of this to the point that I can happily bet my salary if someone is gutsy ( read stupid) enough to challenge me!!

If you are worried that what could have possibly driven me into this condition then please pick up the most rotten, PITA ( Pain in the A**) literature of ur interest a few times over and do nothing else except for filling different holes in all the different ways ( that too on a daily basis – exception this guy)  and after all that effort you are still at the same place where u started a million ages ago.

If you want to know how pissed off I am feeling then perform this little experiment.

Try pulling out one single hair from every hairy region of your body and then say to yourself it’s OK. Not pissing enough!! Then try finding the exact location where you actually pulled that hair from when the pain is still on!! Now multiply( I know all my readers are from that population of world) the feeling with any third order number of your chioce and try feeling it.

I am definately more pissed of than that or probably more pissed off than you are after wasting those not-so-useful minutes of your self proclaimed and universally ignored highly highly important and eventful life.

PS : In case u still didn’t break the code – please contact me. You need some urgent attention to the ”supposedly” highly important part of ur body :)

Dance like no one is watching

“Dance like no one is watching” -Teeeta’s status says so, and so does the Video of the Godav 10th Wing.  Tells the story of a happy man and asks that overwork(ing)ed IITian to take a break and live life. “Dance like no one is watching” – a phrase that should ring a 1000 bells in the temples of a regular – overworked – workaholic – and compromising IITian like me. I did good things, happy things, sad things and boring things.

I did what I was supposed to do and also did a lot more that I wasn’t supposed to. I liked myself and hated too, I loved my friends, I loved my sweetheart,  I spent days and afternoons puzzled how can these jolly happy-go-lucky friends and meri jaans be so cool for not being good at “IT”. Do “IT”, try your best, don’t leave the rest to GOD or anything else for that matter had been the basic fundamental of me being me at #464, Ganga Hostel IITM, or any other place if it matters. Felt everything that I had to, but mostly, by force and imagination, also felt everything else unwanted, unsaid, untrue too!!

I forgot to ask myself that simple question. Why? What’s the point? Why make yourself miserable? WHY?

Well I did ask it a few times and every damn time I got one reply – “Stop screwing urself” – but will i listen?

NO.

I screw a bit more. To an extent that u love being pathetic. It gives u an arduous andfake satisfaction. U stay miserable, u say to urself I am miserable, then u ask urself how to get out of this fake misery which is actually a product of ur brainsick imagination, and then u feel the satisfaction of being able to come out of that misery, the one that really never existed. The cycle gets completed and sometimes enters a loop with no base cased, unless someone shakes ur temples and tell “Dude, Get the fuck out of here”. What’s the point?

The point u already know. Stop screwing, start living.  ya that’s it. Living means very simple things.

feel good. Feel like,every morning, the sun shines out of ur ass, even if it hangs over ur head all day.It anyway follows u around all day, no matter how hard and far u run to avoid it. So let it stick out of ur ass. U r the masterpiece of the creator, he himself is not skilled enough to duplicate u, then why the hell do u dare insult him and more importantly urself by comparing. Do what u really really want to, even if it is standing on the roof and shouting “U suck!” and point ur finger towards the monkey who is busy pissing himself off.

Go grab a sail and fly. Trust me for this, only one person have the courage, power and wisdom of stopping you. Who?

U know the answer?

The other dimension is the one where you let yourself dive into only when you can’t control it to be otherwise. Please spare if things don’t make sense as I am not in my senses

I have bozzed a lot today, and to top that I for the first time fagged today. As bhale says I am virgin nomore . I was afraid to do so, because it’s very tough to control all the zillions of emotions that are waiting to burst out from inside. I keep them trapped under the constant protection, but today I let go, just to see what comes out. Anyway everyone around is dear one and I won’t mind sharing anything with them, though I do the same often. Sorry Guys.. To keep my life a mystery from you, but i don’t want to hurt you all by sharing everything that goes inside this unstable mind.

I think, I whistper, I yell, I cry but all that is restricted to me. My sorrows are for me and my love is for thee. I had a real nasty split-up but i have to shelve my emotions so that I can take care of her, I had to hide it from her and from myself so that she can’t see anything. I asked her one last time and she still said that she can’t go ahead at this point of time. She loves me more than I love her and if she have to make such a decision than the situation would have been out of her control, as it’s always with moms. Funny thing is I am trying to help a girl get over me !!! I don’t regret that I loved her. I am glad and thankful to the lovely girl who came in my life and changed it a thousand times over and over and continues to do so.

I had two choices as AR Rahman said on the Oscar Stage “Love or Hate. I always chose love.” Sooner or later I was able to convince myself that only love wins. Nothing else. Moli bhai’s book “Tuesdays with morrie” Just strengthened that wisdom.

Anyway enough of that. Good thing is I experienced unconditional love, something that ur friends and parents also do but few of us never care much about that, until it’s from a dreamgirl. Better late than never.

Today’s evening was special. Most of my dear friends were there and I loved putting my arm around their shoulder and feeling the affection in the touch and the smile on everyone’s face. It felt life. yes I did feel it. I work my ass off most of the time because I love slogging. Something i learned before I learned to write. But i knew long back that their is something called survival and something called life.

I have been surviving for long, Now I want to live. I am not in denial. I just suppress my emotions. I have no specific choices. I take the path of maximum obstruction and minimum results the first time so that it helps me learn more things than i can by doing it the natural and accepted way. That’s no fun.

I am boring. But not always. If something went wrong and it went wrong then I am responsible. It makes me not repeat my silly mistakes. I don’t enjoy life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that i know it really well that it’s stupid to do so.  I do things at times when I am completely aware that I shouldn’t be and vice-versa. I love complexifying situations, It’s fun.

I feel sorry for paining my friends which I do quite often. By default I am of extremely conservative nature but I better that in general. If we are what we act and not what we think than I am fine else there are reasons to be worried about.

All in all As shruti says. Start believing in urself. I am somewhere in the beginning of that.But, again if the beginning if the most difficult step then I am well on my way, because one thing I am sure of is that I have definitely crossed that stage.

Wish me luck. It’s a long way.

Love u all my friends and everyone that came into my life and gave me another reason to love.

About Me

Don’t read it… I wrote it just because i had too. It’s not meant for general reading. For some reason i didn’t mark it private. It might not feel good.
================================================

Hello
I am Anuj Choudhary.
I am addicted to cursing myself.
It’s my favorite time pass.
I love being in pain.
I am always pained.
I have lost control over my thoughts.
I don’t feel things like nature, music, art etc..
I am never sure what I want to do the next moment.
I love being lonely and pained with myself.
I think way too much and do very less.
I value everything more than myself.
I need help.
I hate being helped.
I won’t listen to anyone but myself.
I am trying to accumulate the courage to face myself.
I have become very stubborn, no one can teach me anything.
I keep forgetting everything. Everything.
I act happy but I am always sad.
I am wounded but never limp.
I love to show off.
I exaggerate everything I tell.
I don’t lie much though anymore.
I never stick to my deadlines.
I am good for nothing.
I have failed a lot of people who trusted me. I always do that.
I am very selfish, I spend days without even thinking once about my parents and brother.
I am very materialistic.
I know how to do things right, but never follow them myself.
I want to achieve everything effortlessly and at once.
I can’t wait.
I am very inefficient .
It’s very east to scare me.
“I can’t do it” – this feeling is very strong inside me.
I am very vulnerable.
I didn’t live up to my expectations.
I have many talents but lack the sincerity to use any of them properly.
I know a lot of things but nothing properly. Things which I know
I am always confused. It’s very tough to opt for one thing among many.
I remember all my mistakes, but I hardly make the required amount of efforts to correct them.
I don’t like myself.
It’s very difficult for me to forgive myself. Very difficult.
I can always forgive others for anything and everything.
I am responsible for everything that goes wrong when I am involved.
I don’t know how to do things right.
I can’t let things go.
It’s very tough for me to move on.
I don’t like people doing me favors.
I don’t like things and i don’t understand this society.

I am always angry with myself but rarely with others.
I don’t admire myself either.
I think I am good for nothing.
Everything looks way too beyond my reach.
I am never able to convince myself to think logically through all the possibilities before taking up a task. I am always serious and get tensed over every small & big things, things which I take way too much time to realize that they are small.
I never think myself as capable of doing something, but I just give it a try so that I used to hate myself but that’s one thing that I don’t do anymore.
I wake up everyday and try to feel good.
Everyday I try to get rid of these feelings.
I once got rid of all these and then found that I was not Anuj anymore.
Anuj is supposed to be always pained and dejected.
I am very sensitive. It’s very easy to hurt me. I do mind a lot of things, but express that only sometimes.
I am afraid of change.
I hate it when someone says that I am good. I pity them as they know nothing.
I am very ambitious but lack the determination to accomplish them.
I never did anything completely and properly.
I like to give up just few steps before the destination and then feel happy that at least I came this far.
I am waiting to cross the line at least once.
I can keep on telling things about me but I guess these things summarizes everything.
Wish me luck. I have a lot to get right for a lifetime.
==============================================
PS: In case you read it please don’t write comments I will delete them. Telling something to me is waste of your time. I don’t need anyone’s help. I will figure out a way to get rid of it. I have to do it myself. A lot depends on it.